Kissy Noises

I am not even sure if Jason knows how smitten I am with him! And I find it HILARIOUS that I am writing this after the post I wrote earlier today. I am not only crazy, I am the thing I never wanted to be, which is a typical female. But of course he called today and of course I am back on the Jason bandwagon. Of course I am, though. I love talking to him about anything - anything at all. And I worked up the nerve to ask him to go with me to Robyn's wedding and he said yes! Then I did a "typical female" thing and said, "Well, you don't have to commit right now if you don't want to..." and then I realized that I was being ridiculous and so I said, "but if you did commit right now, I would be psyched!" And he said yes! then I thought to myself that I wouldn't mail in the reply card yet, just in case. But Robyn said I was being ridiculous and that if he ends up not coming I can just let her know. I am not sure why I doubt that he will come. So, I mailed in the card. And so we will see!

And, when we were hanging up today he did something extremely cute and the fact that it made me giggle and smile for the next several hours further proves that I am typical. He made kissy noises into the phone. A big fat smooch across the miles. I ate it up. He has me. And I am sure it's dorky and I am sure it would make someone somewhere kind of vomit. But I loved it. And I can't wait to see him again and get a real smooch.

Of course, when we hung up earlier he said he would call me later...and didn't. So, what I said earlier still applies. But if I was trying to convince myself - or anyone - that I wasn't head over heels for this man...well, really...who did I think I was kidding?

Job Search
Wow...searching for a job right now is tough. I wish I had some financial cushion so I could take my time to find the right job and not feel like I need a job by the time I graduate. I have no idea what's going on with "dream job #1." First I get the email that she wants to follow up and then I never hear again...What am I supposed to make of that? Nothing, I guess. I know that job is a long shot. But still, it would be nice for them to call me when they say they are going to. So, the search continues. And now "dream job#2" is on the docket...the early stages for sure. But exciting to think that someone is going to get my resume to "the right people" at one of the most exciting companies around!

I am pessimistic that I will have gainful employment by May 21. But, I will keep trying.

Overload

School is really heating up for a couple of weeks. I am not sure if it is actually heating up or if it just feels like it is because I am also in the throes of a job search and that eats up a ton of my time, I met a boy that occupies way more of my brain space than he should and that eats up my time, I am planning our DisOrientation week for graduation and that eats up my time...Whatever the reasons, I am a bit overloaded right now. The problem is that rather than want to hunker down and get it all done, I instead want to do everything but the things that need to get done! I know second year is a breeze compared to first year. But I think it is for sure more of a breeze for the folks who had their jobs all figured out before January...those of us who have to wait until we are about ready to graduate have a harder go of it, I think. Although, to be fair, it really is pretty low-maintenance at the moment! And I have the time to do the things I want to do - go away for the weekend, workout (something I had no time for first year), go out any or every night of the week. "Stop complaining!" That's what I should be telling myself.

Robyn's Theory of Dates 3, 4 and 5
Robyn's theory of dating includes the notion that dates 3, 4 and 5 are the worst and that if you can make it to date number six, that is a good sign. Given the fact that I have never really dated in a traditional way - for me it's either one or two dates and we are done, or full-blown relationship from the first date - I have never really given her theory much thought. But after this weekend in LA and how I am feeling now about the "Jason situation," I am starting to think she is onto something.

According to Robyn's theory, dates one and two have the female in the driver's seat. You are confident, he has to do all the asking so you feel somewhat in control. Then comes date three. Feelings of insecurity come up. You start to wonder, "is he seeing other people?" If you make it to date four, you inevitably have the, "What are we? Are we together? Are you my boyfriend?" thoughts. Date five brings, "Where is this going?" And if you get to date six, you are over the hump and well on your way to some sort of relationship. In other words, date six is when you can settle in for the ride.

Now, let's say that each time jason and I have hung out was one date. That means that the first night we met was date #1; the weekend in Palm Desert was date #2; last weekend was date #3. And, when you look at Robyn's dating theory, this past weekend in LA, "date #3," was a classic third date. Although to be honest, it was sort of 3, 4 and 5 all in one in terms of how I am feeling about it now. I just don't know if I am into it. Is that bad to say? I mean, I am into him for sure. He is amazing and wonderful and I LOVE spending time with him. But I don't like:

1) he doesn't call as much as I would like and for whatever reason I do not feel like I can call him
2) if i do call him he doesn't call back right away. I am sure there are good reasons. I still don't like it.
3) he gives no indication of the next time we will see each other. that leads me to believe that for him, this is just a fun thing but not something he is prepared to take seriously
4) when we are together I feel like he really likes me. the way he looks at me. the way he kisses me, the way he talks to me. But once I leave, I wonder if he even remembers I was there!
5) he occupies way to much of my brain space. am I really a "typical female" in this regard? I hate being typical!
6) the fact that I am trying to be transparent with how I feel. And vulnerability is hard for me. Lack of control is hard for me. And I need some reciprocity.

So, I am writing this all down as a reminder to myself. So that if things go south I can remember that I was unsure about it all. Because I have a tendency to forget that I have a say in the matter. I have a tendency to feel rejected, even if I am the one who is prepared to reject. Does that make sense?