Weddings and other observations

Robyn's wedding was this past weekend and I have to say, it was fantastic. One of the best weddings I have ever had the privilege of attending. Robyn looked amazing - the funny thing about it is that Robyn is not one of those girls that dreamed about her wedding her whole life, yet she looked on that day as if she was made to be a bride! It was awesome.

The best thing about her wedding was not even the love between Robyn and Adam, which is undeniable and incredibly beautiful. The best thing about it was the way in which we were all able to participate and share in their light, the way we all felt it and reveled in it. The way we all - every single person there - felt special for having been included. That was the best thing about it. And it was inspiring for me because it reminded me that what I want for my lifelong love relationship is exactly that feeling. And so far I have not been with anyone - not Damian, not Ted, not Adam, not Peter, not any of the other men who have entered my orbit - that has inspired others in that way. I am not saying I want the same relationship they have. Obviously every relationship is unique to the individuals in it. But I do want that love, that unadulterated adoration that they have for each other. And I want everyone who encounters me and my partner to see it, feel it, understand it and feel bigger and better because of it. Because that's what Robyn and Adam do for everyone who crosses their path.

Jason
I spent some time with Jason this past weekend while I was in Los Angeles. I have to say, I was a bit nervous to see him. After everything that happened with Jack and with how I was feeling about Jason (which is to say, not that good), I did not even want to see him and so I was nervous that we would have a bad and/or awkward time. But from the moment I laid eyes on him and his huge grin and his little silver sneakers, I melted. Admittedly, it felt quite a bit different than being head-over-hells smitten, as I had been the previous few times we spent time together. But I was glad that some feeling was still there, because I knew we would have fun. And I was also glad that my feelings for him had subsided because it enabled me to just be me. And so I had fun. I enjoyed him without worrying each moment what he was thinking. And I was able to appreciate the ways in which he is simply not the one for me, but yet I can enjoy him for what he is, which is a really great date. And I have to say, I really liked how we could have a crazy, passionate night and then the next morning chat about movies and then have a heated discussion about Israel and then go for a two-hour hike. There is a sense of intimacy with Jason that is strange because of how little we really know each other and the fact that we are both aware that our "relationship" is not going anywhere. But I like it. And it is interesting to compare it to Jack, with whom I felt no intimacy despite our supposed closeness as friends.

I did lay in Jason's bed trying to picture being there with Jack and I could not. I could not imagine Jack laying with his arms around me. Or me laying on top of Jack while he tickled my back. Or falling alseep holding hands with Jack. Or laying in the crook of Jack's arm. Or being spooned by Jack. Or waking up to Jack's kisses and soft voice. In Jason's bed, I could not imagine being with Jack.

That's not to say that in Jason's bed I felt like it was right to be with Jason. I mean, it felt good to be there with him, holding his hand, having him tickle my back, wrapping his arms around me. It all felt good and it felt right for the moment. But by no means did I have the illusion - as I had in the past - that all those things together meant that Jason and I would be a good match. I think we are a good physical match. And we have good conversation. We share many of the same values. But we are not "meant to be."

Jack
Jack and Laura hooked up. No surprises there, I guess. That was brewing for a while. I wonder if they will date. Well, I am glad Jack didn't want to risk our friendship by not continuing down a path together. I have to say...we are on the edge of a cliff with our friendship. I am not sure how we step back because it seems like we are about to fall off.