Hibernation

I am hibernating. I think I am depressed. This job (or rather, this lack of job) is really bringing me down. I have never in my life lacked self-confidence when it comes to feeling smart or intellectually capable. Not until business school that is. Certainly my sense of myself as one of the smartest people I know (don't you just love the humility?) has been challenged repeatedly in the classroom. Accounting, Finance, Microeconomics, Operations, Managerial Accounting, Financial Modeling - all of these classes featured, "Am I dumb?" moments - some featured quite a few. But no matter how many moments I had of feeling stupid, they always ended, either with an "Aha!" moment of understanding or, more likely, a realization that I need not actually know all the mechanics of these things, just enough to know if the person I hired to do them is screwing me or not. But now, as I search for a full-time job - something to make this whole two year adventure seem more meaningful than an extended party - my sense of myself as one of the smartest people I know is being seriously challenged.

I don't know why I can't seem to get a positive outlook on this whole job situation. Perhaps I hear Robin Michaels' voice in my head saying, "Wow. Come June 1, you are broke." Because it's true - I am about to run out of money. And so I feel this extra pressure to find a job. I know that the job I want will not be easy to find and I know that it will not happen on this arbitrary business school timeline. But I cannot seem to remember that when I lie on my couch in a ball, tears streaming down my face wondering why nobody wants to hire me (although in truth, I have only actually officially asked one company to consider it!). Why? Because I am freaked out at the possibility of being totally and completely broke - something I haven't felt since I moved to San Francisco 11 years ago and paid my rent using checks from my credit card company (that I spent the next six years repaying!). And because it seems to me like everyone else has a job or has great prospects for a job or does not have time constraints on finding a job.

So where does that leave me? Home alone on Friday night, declining social invitations, ignoring my ringing phone, instead watching Murderball (by the way, I highly recommend this movie. More on that below). Home on Saturday night declining social invitations, ignoring my ringing phone, writing my Global Strategy final. Hibernating. How much longer can I get away with it?

Hiccup
I want to say that Jason and I had a hiccup. After all that semi-drama, it seems we are back where we were. I guess. Although truth be told, I am not even sure what that means since I am not even sure where we were before "the conversation." Well, this is what I know. He's fun. I like him. Talking to him is a highlight of my week. I feel like these days I am living in some darkness and he is a bright, shiny light. I don't want anything to change in terms of that. I don't want more from him. (Even as I write that I wonder if it's true. I mean, I really do not want any kind of committed relationship right now. And I suspect that if I did, Jason might not be someone I would want that with, as I am not sure we are particularly well suited for each other in the long-term. However, is it really true that I don't want more from him? Sure, I don't want more commitment, I don't want to feel like I have a boyfriend. But I would like to talk to him more. I would like to see him more. But why, I wonder, if I don't necessarily want more from him or our "relationship" per se? I guess it gets back to what I said before - that he is a shiny bright light. And I want more of that. But I do wonder what I will think once I emerge from this haze. Will I want more then? Will I want less? Will I want anything?)

Murderball - a mini-review
Last night, in my self-imposed hibernation, I watched "Murderball" - a documentary about competitive quadriplegic rugby. Random topic, don't you think? But what a film! If you haven't seen this documentary already, you really ought to do so. It's is both moving and really fun to watch. At first all the wheelchairs and atrophied limbs made me uncomfortable. I could barely look at the guy who had immense amounts of scarring, no legs and arms only to his elbows. Their paralysis stories were scary - car accidents, sports accidents, a fistfight. But about 30 minutes in, it all actually seemed pretty normal. There were so few able-bodied people in this film that the men seemed less, I don't know...different. I wasn't surprised when Zupan got into the pool. I wasn't even surprised to discover that Joe was married and had a son. Or that the players had girlfriends (I must admit, I thought Zupan and Hogsett were pretty hot!). And once I got past the physical disabilities on the screen I really got into the action - the rivalry between Team USA and Team Canada. The intensity of the sport, which at first just looked to me like bumper cars but later took on an athletic quality. I laughed. I cried. It was better than Cats. Okay, seriously...I laughed (especially, I hate to admit, when they showed the "how to have sex with a quadriplegic" video. Yes, I am a juvenile). I cried, when Team USA lost, when Jeff, the Motorcross kid, came home from rehab. I did not even know such a world existed. I am certain I will never again look at a person in a wheelchair the same way.