Overload

School is really heating up for a couple of weeks. I am not sure if it is actually heating up or if it just feels like it is because I am also in the throes of a job search and that eats up a ton of my time, I met a boy that occupies way more of my brain space than he should and that eats up my time, I am planning our DisOrientation week for graduation and that eats up my time...Whatever the reasons, I am a bit overloaded right now. The problem is that rather than want to hunker down and get it all done, I instead want to do everything but the things that need to get done! I know second year is a breeze compared to first year. But I think it is for sure more of a breeze for the folks who had their jobs all figured out before January...those of us who have to wait until we are about ready to graduate have a harder go of it, I think. Although, to be fair, it really is pretty low-maintenance at the moment! And I have the time to do the things I want to do - go away for the weekend, workout (something I had no time for first year), go out any or every night of the week. "Stop complaining!" That's what I should be telling myself.

Robyn's Theory of Dates 3, 4 and 5
Robyn's theory of dating includes the notion that dates 3, 4 and 5 are the worst and that if you can make it to date number six, that is a good sign. Given the fact that I have never really dated in a traditional way - for me it's either one or two dates and we are done, or full-blown relationship from the first date - I have never really given her theory much thought. But after this weekend in LA and how I am feeling now about the "Jason situation," I am starting to think she is onto something.

According to Robyn's theory, dates one and two have the female in the driver's seat. You are confident, he has to do all the asking so you feel somewhat in control. Then comes date three. Feelings of insecurity come up. You start to wonder, "is he seeing other people?" If you make it to date four, you inevitably have the, "What are we? Are we together? Are you my boyfriend?" thoughts. Date five brings, "Where is this going?" And if you get to date six, you are over the hump and well on your way to some sort of relationship. In other words, date six is when you can settle in for the ride.

Now, let's say that each time jason and I have hung out was one date. That means that the first night we met was date #1; the weekend in Palm Desert was date #2; last weekend was date #3. And, when you look at Robyn's dating theory, this past weekend in LA, "date #3," was a classic third date. Although to be honest, it was sort of 3, 4 and 5 all in one in terms of how I am feeling about it now. I just don't know if I am into it. Is that bad to say? I mean, I am into him for sure. He is amazing and wonderful and I LOVE spending time with him. But I don't like:

1) he doesn't call as much as I would like and for whatever reason I do not feel like I can call him
2) if i do call him he doesn't call back right away. I am sure there are good reasons. I still don't like it.
3) he gives no indication of the next time we will see each other. that leads me to believe that for him, this is just a fun thing but not something he is prepared to take seriously
4) when we are together I feel like he really likes me. the way he looks at me. the way he kisses me, the way he talks to me. But once I leave, I wonder if he even remembers I was there!
5) he occupies way to much of my brain space. am I really a "typical female" in this regard? I hate being typical!
6) the fact that I am trying to be transparent with how I feel. And vulnerability is hard for me. Lack of control is hard for me. And I need some reciprocity.

So, I am writing this all down as a reminder to myself. So that if things go south I can remember that I was unsure about it all. Because I have a tendency to forget that I have a say in the matter. I have a tendency to feel rejected, even if I am the one who is prepared to reject. Does that make sense?