Meltdown

I had a meltdown today. I need a job. I see my bank acocunt dwindling and I cannot imagine where the money to pay my rent after May is going to materialize from. I still haven't heard back from the "dream job #1" people and while it's not exactly outright rejection, it does not feel good at all. And then there is Jason. Who I really like. And who is distracting me lately from other things that are important right now - school, job search, friends. To be honest, I like the distraction on some level. But on another level it makes me feel "cloudy." And I don't want it to influence any decisions I may have to make. Sure, I joke about how great it would be if I moved to LA and we could see what a real relationship might be like. But the reality is that I need to look at Los Angeles as a viable job market and not as a place where this really great guy lives and maybe, if I happen to move there we might possibly try to have something that might resemble a "normal" relationship. You know what I mean? And now I have some really great leads in LA - nothing firm but good leads - and I am reluctant to pursue them because I want to be sure that these new warm and fuzzy feelings I am having for this new person that I met are not playing an outsized role in my job search. Oh my gosh...I am crazy. I can just tell that I am nuts.

And so then my sister tells me that she was talking to Karen, one of Jason's good friends, and that Karen says to my sister that Jason told her what a great time he has when he is with me. Which is nice, right? But then Karen says that she just doesn't see Jason as the relationship type and she was wondering if I am thinking that it is headed in a serious direction because she doesn't see him that way. So my sister asks her if this is something he has actually said. And Karen says no, that it's just her perception of him. But, you know, who knows. I mean, who knows what Karen knows...I am sure she knows way more about his everyday than I do. Not least because he actually calls her! And even though she said that all he said is how much he loves hanging out with me, I don't know for sure that he didn't say more than that and that Karen just doesn't want to tell my sister. So, WTF?

So, even though yesterday I was on cloud 9 with the kissy noises and the fact that he is going to go with me to Robyn's wedding, I am back in the Date Three zone of insecurity and confusion.

Plus, I really need to get myself a job. Although mommy got a job today. So that's exciting! I am really happy about that because she really needed to get one. So, now my mom and my sister both have jobs. And I don't. How's that for a twist of fate?